The Cracked Vessel Thesis
Heavenly Father,
As I stand here at the start of this journey, I confess my fear and my lingering shame. I thank You for the courage to write these first words and to share the truth of Mary's suffering. Lord, I know that my strength has failed, and my vessel is cracked. I often tried to earn Your love and polish away my scars through exhausting effort. Today, I surrender that burden. Let this journey be a testament not to my power, but to Yours. Let the light of Your Spirit, the treasure within this clay jar, be visible through every crack. Give me grace to be honest, and give the reader grace to receive healing alongside me. Anchor me in the truth that You see my pain, You know my name, and You specialize in making beautiful things out of broken pieces.
In Your powerful and restoring name,
Amen.
Introducing the Trilogy
I I have been known by three names: Mary, Maria, and Mari.
Mary was shaped by neglect in New Mexico and abuse in Tennessee, constantly anxious and searching for safety and validation. Maria, a registered nurse and follower of Christ, survived Mary. She chose a new name in Richardson, Texas, learning to use her strong will. Her story, “The Book of Mari,” is about rebuilding her life by embracing her cracks. Mari practices Grace-Informed Accountability, holding herself to high standards but responding to failure with compassion. She acknowledges her flaws, seeks grace, and takes responsibility for growth. Mari embraces all her past selves, seeing their inclusion as the true victory.
For years, I thought my life was defined by my childhood trauma, mistakes, and diagnoses like PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Bipolar, along with self-destructive patterns. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says, “The body keeps the score,” as my nervous system remained in hypervigilance, and my brain struggled to process truth. I feared that showing my trauma would make me seem useless and irreparable.
Redemption of Brokenness
This leads us to the heart of this entire journey. The Apostle Paul wrote:
2 Corinthians 4:7 (NIV): "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
I’ve spent my life striving for perfection, believing my worth was tied to my performance. However, the Bible teaches that we are fragile jars of clay, with power in the Spirit inside, not in our strength. Our cracks reveal this power. If you feel broken or unworthy due to past trauma, know you are not empty. My scars are evidence of survival, allowing God’s light to shine through. Welcome to the Book of Mari, starting with a journey into darkness to meet Mary and celebrate the light that saved her.
Chapters of Mari:
Meet Mary: The Furnace of Affliction, Mary was defined by lies, believing she was worthless. This is her story of neglect, betrayal, and surviving a difficult childhood.
The Birth of Maria: The New Creation, In Richardson, I changed my birth certificate and my life, declaring the terrified girl was gone, and the woman who survived would not be defined by those who failed her. Here, I told myself to build a new.
Toxic Masculinity: The Repetition Compulsion, I repeatedly tried finding familiar love, mistaking intensity for intimacy. My body, wired for danger, thrived in chaos. This is the struggle to recognize patterns and desire true security.
Nursing School: Grace Over Striving, My discipline was both my strength and my weapon. Nursing school was where the Worth Trap played out—believing I had to be flawless to be worthy. I nearly broke myself trying to be unbreakable.
New RN + Bedside Psych: The Boundary Line, On the psych unit, I cared for my past self. I learned empathy can wound if not protected by boundaries. This taught me to serve without sacrificing myself.
Meet Mari: The Testimony of Hope, This is a moment of change. The scars remain, now badges of honor. The vessel is cracked, but the light shines through—stronger and brighter than before.
In 2026, we return to New Mexico for a closer look of what the Desert of Neglect is. This exploration reveals how experiences of early abandonment are foundational to the debilitating worthiness trap. Genesis 16:13, "You are the God who sees me."